Navigating Changing Family Dynamics as Your Teen Goes to College

Picture of a family. Daughter is in front, holding box with her belongings. Mom's on the left, holding a pillow, and dad's on the left, holding a box.

You did it. You just dropped off your baby at college, and now you’re on what seems like the longest ride back home. Gone are the days of picking them up at school, making them dinner every night, ferrying them to activities, and seeing them around the house.  

So, now what? After 18 years, what are you supposed to do now that they’re off at college? 

The transition to college can be a challenging time for students and parents. While your teen is learning to navigate the world on their own, you’re re-learning how to lead a life that’s not heavily focused around them. It is only natural to feel a bit lost during these first few months. If you want some helpful tips on how to navigate family dynamics during the college transition, keep reading! 

How to Navigate Changing Family Dynamics as Your Teen Goes to College


It’s Okay to Miss Your Child 

It’s completely normal to miss your child and feel sad because they’re not at home with you, but these feelings will pass. Yes, you will always want to see them, but you’ll get used to their absence as time goes on. In the meantime, don’t feel embarrassed because you’re missing them. These feelings are totally okay. 

Set Aside Some Time to Call Them 

Even though going to college is supposed to help young adults to be more independent, that doesn’t mean you need

to cut off all contact with them. At the other extreme, don’t expect to hear from your child on a daily basis: they need space to build new relationships and routines. Talk with your child and figure out a good time to call or text them. This doesn’t have to be every day, but a couple of times during the week doesn’t hurt. 

Besides, they’re probably missing you too! They might not want to admit it, but once the initial wave of move-in excitement passes, many students struggle with homesickness in those first weeks and months of college. In fact, as many as 66% of first year students will feel homesick, so make sure you work out a ‘just right’ plan to keep everyone happy and in touch.  

Plan a Family Visit 

If you’re really missing your child, you can always plan a visit to see them. Did you know that most colleges have a “Parents’ Weekend”?  Find out when your child’s college will host theirs, and plan to go then to take advantage of any activities hosted by the school. It’ll be a great opportunity to see them in their new home! 

Find a New Outlet or Hobby to Distract Yourself 

You may be continuing to work or have taken a job to pay the bills.  That alone can be a big transition, along with 

your child’s move to college. But in your free time, you may find the best way to cope with this new reality is to immerse yourself in a hobby or activity. This can look like going to the gym, signing up for a class you’ve always wanted to take, or finding a new volunteer opportunity or activity you enjoy doing!

Think about it: as your children start heading off to college, you’ll start having more time on your hands to do things you want to do. Don’t feel guilty if you want to do something for yourself: it’s okay to focus on you as a person with your own interests.  

And this goes for both parents: if you see your spouse is also having a tough time, find a way to do something together that can take your mind off your teen. They’ll appreciate it.  

Find Other Parents in the Same Situation as You 

In times of change, it’s always good to have a community to support you! If you have any friends whose children are also in college, you will be a great support system for each other, as you get used to your new normal. If you don’t, no need to worry! You can go online and search for a parents’ group at your child’s college, where you can share your own feelings, and see how they’re coping too.  

When something goes wrong – and it will 

They get sick or injured. They fail a class. They have roommate issues. They run out of money. They may try and even have a bad experience with substances. They’re feeling anxious, lonely, or depressed. They aren’t sure the college or the program is right for them.

While you hope the first year of college will be smooth sailing, problems will crop up, and sometimes they aren’t easily resolved.  As parents, your job is to support your child, but be careful not to micromanage them, even though you may want to swoop down and fix the problem.   

Stay in touch and, as best you can, try to be a sounding board for your child as they work out solutions for themselves. It’s okay to offer suggestions and, if it is truly serious, to step in if you must, but wait until you know your child wants and needs more direct assistance. Be especially sensitive to mental and physical health issues and encourage your child to seek assistance early. 

And then they come home 

The first time or two that your student comes home, things feel different, for you and for them. Remember that they have gotten used to some independence, and that you all need to navigate this new normal. Our Home for the Holidays: A Survival Guide for College Students blog post explores some of the issues and feelings teens face when they come home for holidays and visits – it might be a useful read for you as parents as well!  

When your young adult goes off to college, it can be difficult at first. You will experience a lot of new emotions, and it can feel overwhelming, but understand this is the beginning of a new chapter in their life and in yours. Just because you won’t see your child every day doesn’t mean you need to stop caring for them; it means you’ll be taking on a slightly different role. You get to step back a little and let them take more control of their lives.  

Of course, if they ever need you, you’ll be there for them, but also trust yourself and know that you did everything you could to set them up for success.  

Need More Help? 

If you’re struggling with this time of transition, we can help. The Bougainvilla House offers parenting workshops to provide tools and strategies that may help you get used to this new chapter of your life.  

Call now to find support for you and your family: (954) 764-7337 

Celebrate and cheer – you have a college student in your life now! 

Teen Sports and Mental Health – ending this year strong, starting the new year fresh!

As we head into a new year, it’s time to think about how you can make the upcoming year your best yet. And what better way to start fresh than enjoying regular physical activity and friendly competition?  

Playing sports is a great way to stay healthy, have fun, meet new people and escape from the stresses of everyday life. Bonus — participating in sports can also improve your mental health and well-being.   

Whether you’re struggling with self-esteem, depression, or anxiety, or just looking to try a new, healthy, and positive activity, here are five reasons why playing a sport is a great way to improve your mental and physical well-being.

And in case you’re worried, you really don’t have to be a star athlete to be a valuable team member.  You just need a good attitude, the willingness to work on improving your skills, and an interest in helping your teammates to do their best as well. 

Five ways sports can boost your mental well-being 

Improve self-esteem – Sports are all about setting and accomplishing personal and team goals, which is why taking part in a sport can help to increase your self-esteem and confidence. As you gain physical and mental strength, you’ll become more aware of your capabilities and more confident in your own self-worth and contribution to your team. Believe in yourself – you can do it! 

Ease Symptoms of Depression and Stress – Playing a team sport provides a sense of belonging and purpose that can reduce the symptoms of depression and stress. It’s also an outlet for releasing frustration, which decreases anxiety and helps to improve your mood. Studies show that taking part in a sport can help reduce depression by 20 percent. Physical activity helps release endorphins, which act as natural anti-depressants, making us feel good about ourselves, improving our mood and helping us cope with daily stressors. 

Girl posing with her tenis racket in the court

Grow Leadership and Team-Building Skills – Playing a sport helps develop the skills necessary to be a good team player and also a leader, on and off the field. Participating in sports encourages players to communicate well, think critically, take the initiative, and work together as a team. It also teaches team members how to handle adversity, work through disagreements, and cultivate mutual respect. All these skills can be applied to any situation, athletic or not, making them invaluable now and throughout your life. 

Keep Your Mind Sharp – Engaging in physical activity and exercising your body improves your mental alertness and cognitive abilities. Exercise increases the production of hormones that help protect the brain from damage. Regular physical activity has been shown to improve concentration and attention, boost memory, and reduce the risk of age-related mental decline. Your athletic efforts might also help your grades!

Boy running down a field

Build Resilience – When things aren’t going well during a game, players rely on resilience to see the game through to the end, no matter the outcome, and to learn from it for the next time. Whether a game is close and competitive or a runaway win or loss, the experience teaches us the resilience we need to handle success and failure, and deal with pressure in life, especially when things don’t go our way.  

Playing a sport can definitely have its tough moments, but a good team and coach will always support its players through good times and bad. Teammates help each other to work through setbacks and to grow as players. When you’re checking out a new sport, pay attention to the team’s culture and look for a group where you can learn, grow, feel supported, and share the love with others.  

And be realistic with yourself. It takes time and effort to become a better player. You’ll get there. Don’t be too hard on yourself and remember to keep the rest of your life in balance as well.  

Sports organizations in your area 

The great news is, there are all kinds of opportunities out there to learn a sport and to play for fun or competitively. Check out these organizations! 

Youth Impact Center YIC offers free academic, personal support, and athletic training for students ages 6-18, with two centers in Pinecrest Square.  Whether you want to get better grades, learn and play a sport, or make new friends—YIC is the place where you can do it all. 

City of Ft. Lauderdale Youth Sports Development League – Allows children and youth from ages 4-12 to try a variety of sports for one low annual membership! Members receive one free uniform for each sport played, attend sports camps and clinics on no school days, access homework/tutoring assistance, and more! 

I9sportsOffers fun, organized, and educational youth sports leagues throughout the Fort Lauderdale area. Children and teens receive age-appropriate instruction and choose from a variety of sports such as flag football, soccer, baseball, basketball, lacrosse, and even volleyball. 

Need help?  

 If your stress feels overwhelming, look for a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with an understanding and welcoming staff and environment ready to assist you and your family. Take that important first step and ask for help.       

The Bougainvilla House also offers Workshops to provide tools and strategies that support healthy families and nurture future generations as they grow.        

Call now to find support for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. 

Body Positivity – A Guide to Embracing Yourself!

4 woman of different body shapes and sizes smiling

These days, we can’t get away from images of “happy beautiful people” who populate our digital world. Just check out all the carefully curated posts in your social media feed, not to mention media advertisements and content –no wonder they collectively fuel unattainable body expectations.  

But the problem isn’t limited to unrealistic media imagery. We also compare ourselves to people we know – classmates, teammates, coworkers.  

We all have things we don’t like about the way we look — weight, height, skin, hair, muscularity, shape, voice, smile, style…whatever it is, it’s easy to hyperfocus on it, and to think that’s all that other people see in you as well. 

How we see ourselves, and how we think others see us, has a lot to do with how we feel day to day, fueling feelings that easily spiral into depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. To combat the negative impact that looks can have on self-esteem, the body positivity movement has gained national attention and flooded our timelines in recent years. The movement promotes being comfortable in your own skin, offering messages like “You’re beautiful just the way you are,” or “Love your imperfections.”  

This movement may feel like it’s recent, but it’s actually been around since the 1960s! To understand its true meaning, we need to go back to 1969 during the Fat Rights Movement, when a young engineer from New York named Bill Fabrey was angry about the way the world was treating his overweight wife, Joyce. He gathered a small group of people and created the National Association to Aid Fat Americans, today known as the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) to promote body positivity through community activism.  

It’s easy to preach positivity, but sometimes not so easy to truly feel it. Want to transform your life and change how you see yourself? Here are some ideas on how to embrace yourself and help others feel better as well. You deserve it – we all do!  

A Guide to Embracing Yourself 

Focus on how you feel instead of on the scale  

There is no one body type that’s ‘perfect’ or ‘healthy.’ So don’t get caught up in the numbers, or what’s in the mirror, when you are measuring the progress of your health journey. Instead, focus on how you feel physically and mentally, and remember that a number on a scale does not measure your body composition, the ratio of muscle to fat in your body, or your energy, spirits, or enjoyment of life!  

Remember to speak to a health professional you trust. They can help you better understand your body’s needs, choose healthy habits and behaviors, and set realistic goals. Understand and accept that if you do want to make changes to any aspect of your health, it will take a combination of large and small goal-setting, and a lot of commitment, patience and effort. But you can get there, especially if you have faith in yourself. And it never hurts to have good professional help in your corner! 

The numbers that we often focus on – weight, BMI, and bodyfat percentage – are each only a small part of our overall wellbeing. Check out this social experiment to see how misleading those numbers can be and how hard it can be to guess them. 

Avoid body-shaming yourself 

Focus on what you DO like about yourself and your body, rather than what you don’t. Celebrate it and play it up! Try to avoid giving voice to body-shaming thoughts or comments. Be a friend to yourself – that includes your body! 

Take care of your body 

Learn to recognize and give your body what it needs – like rest, relaxation, destressing, healthy food, and activity. Learning to love and care for yourself includes loving and caring for your body – and that starts with awareness. 

Get Inspired  

Embracing yourself includes taking time to do whatever brings you joy. Not sure where to start? Write down the things that make your heart, your mind, AND your body feel good. Look for people and activities that encourage you and build you up, both in the real and digital worlds.  Find sources of inspiration and motivation that keep you positive and help you work toward your goals. 

Use Positive Affirmations  

Despite best efforts, it’s easy to look in the mirror, give in to your insecurities and make judgments about yourself. These negative thoughts can really affect your mental health especially if they develop into a pattern of behavior which alters the way you view yourself and others.  

Positive affirmations challenge these negative thoughts by reminding you that you’re worthy, strong and beautiful. They help you remember to be kind to yourself. They say talking positively to plants helps them grow — imagine what it can do for yourself and those around you.

Here are some affirmations you can say to yourself:

  • My body is beautiful, my mind is strong.  
  • I am at peace with my body, my mind, and my life. 
  • I love myself yesterday, today and tomorrow.  

 More affirmation for every aspect of your life.  

Curate Your Social Media 

We spend 5.4 hours a day on our phones, so it’s important to be intentional about the content we consume. Social media platforms curate your feed based on content in which you show interest, and the people and organizations you engage with and follow. Review your feed and ask yourself: does this content help me mentally or physically? Does it inspire me? Does this person make me feel good about myself? 

If the answer is no, it is best to unfollow them and look for people who do.  Follow social media accounts that truly align with your life goals. Not only will this boost your self-esteem, mental health and well-being, it will help you redirect yourself toward the life and self-image you want and deserve.  

Beauty is Defined by YOU.  

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched but must be felt with the heart.” Despite Helen Keller’s sight and hearing disabilities, she felt and was constantly inspired by the beauty of the world.  

Beauty is defined by you –not by a number on a scale or by other people’s opinions. So, love and care for yourself. Your sense of confidence and conviction will not only inspire and sustain you – others will feel and respond to it as well.  

Women Who Embrace Body Positivity  

  1. Ashley Graham — The first size-16 model to land on the cover of Sports Illustrated. The supermodel quickly became an icon and example of body positivity in the fashion industry.  
  2. Lizzo – This singer and songwriter doesn’t shy away from advocating for the body positivity movement. The Grammy Award-winning artist has been open about how society judges people’s appearances, and about negativity towards plus-size women. 
  3. Estefania (Tefi) Pessoa – Famous for her TikToks about pop culture and life advice. She is known for her personality and views about the beauty industry, as she shared her struggles with an eating disorder in her teens.  
  4. Laverne Cox – You might know her from the Netflix show Orange Is The New Black. The actress and LGBTQ advocate makes it a priority to inspire others to love themselves, across all identities, shapes, and sizes.
  5.  Jules Von Hep – Influencer, podcast host and celebrity tanning expert. He’s best known as a promoter of body positivity and inclusivity in his videos.  

For more inspiring people to follow, click here.  

Need more help?  

If you or a loved one feel depressed or are having a hard time with self-image or self-esteem, consider talking to a mental health professional. Find a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with an understanding and welcoming environment for you and your family. Take that important first step and ask for help.    

The Bougainvilla House also offers Parenting Workshops to provide tools and strategies that support healthy families and nurture future generations as they grow.   

Call now to find support that works for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. 

 

Communication, Comfort, Caring: Age-appropriate conversations about school shootings

Our screens are full of horrifying images and accounts of the recent massacre of children in Uvalde, Texas, on May 25, and of other shootings both before and since.   

Here at The Bougainvilla House, we are thinking with compassion of the families and their trauma, and also of all the families across the nation and right here in our community, trying to make sense of the senseless loss of precious lives. Of parents trying to support their children. Of children and teens as they wonder if they are safe at school. 

We understand the shock, the sorrow, and the stress our families are enduring, and also the importance of talking about it together. Below, we offer a few thoughts on how to talk to children and teens about school shootings, and additional resources for further information.  

How to talk about tragedy: 

  1. Manage your own response 
  2. It’s important to talk 
  3. Age by age 
  4. Keep it normal 
  5. Limit media exposure 
  6. Know your child 
  7. Seek help if it’s needed 

Manage your own response.

Before you talk with your child, make sure your own emotional reactions are under control. It’s understandable to feel deep grief, fear and other emotions, but take time to look after yourself and to process these feelings so that you are ready to support your children. 

Should I talk about it with my kids? 

If you are a parent of a young child, decide if you want to tell them about the event. As a general rule, the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics counsel against telling children age 8 and under about tragic events like a school shooting, unless they are directly affected or likely to hear about it from others. Know your child and the likelihood that they may find out about the event, and decide accordingly.  

It’s important to signal to teens and older children that you’re open to talking about the tragedy, even if they don’t bring it up themselves. Equally important, don’t force the conversation if your teen is unwilling to discuss it. Let them know you are willing to talk anytime, that you’re concerned about their feelings and want them to know they can come to you with questions, comments and concerns.  

Age by age 

 

Preschool and early elementary-age children:

Decide on the simple story and message you want to give very young children. If you have reason to think they have seen or heard something about the shooting, plan out a simple sentence or two to explain, and try to balance it with a positive or caring message; for example, “a very angry person hurt some people, but the helpers are taking care of their families, just like we are here taking care of each other. Especially when we feel sad.” 

Parents who want to talk more directly about the event may want to consider this approach, offered by Dr. David Schonfeld, director of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement. Schonfeld, who works with communities affected by mass shootings, suggests parents include some context for the location of the event relative to their own community: “I want to let you know that in a school that is hours away from us, there was a person who shot some children and adults, and a lot of people are sad.” 

Older elementary-age children: 

Find out what your child knows and wants to know, if anything. That gives you an opportunity to correct any misinformation and to answer their questions, but without giving too much detail. If you don’t know, or want to think about your response, say so, and follow up if you think it is appropriate. 

Young children quickly focus on how the event affects them. Talk with your child about everything that the school and the community do to keep them safe. It may also help to remind them that these events are uncommon (even if it doesn’t feel like it to you) and that they can go to school without worrying about their safety.  

Tweens and young teens: 

You can safely assume your child knows about the event, so ask them what they’ve heard. Listen actively and carefully, for both possible misinformation and for their emotional response to the news. They may be sad and scared, but afraid to show it or to appear babyish. Reassure your child that it’s okay to be upset, that this is a time when we all need to lean on others, and that you’re there to listen and support.    

Teens: 

Teens are old enough to understand if you express your own feelings about tragic events. Depending on your child’s personality, it may open the door to a discussion of their own feelings. Again, active and sensitive listening is the key, as well as respect for their own willingness to discuss their feelings.   

Make sure they know you are willing and open to talk about the event, including a discussion of the larger issues at stake, and what the country, state, community, school, and individuals can do to address it.  Gen Z teens can be skeptical challengers of information and opinions, so be prepared to say, “I don’t know” and to be honest and direct with your teen.   

With older children and teens, an event such as a mass shooting is also a reminder to reinforce the need to avoid bullying, judging, or isolating others, to be kind and inclusive with fellow students, to let a trusted adult know if they see or hear something concerning, and to call out negative behavior when they see it in others.  

Other healthy practices: 

 

Limit media exposure 

For your children’s sake and for your own, limit the amount of exposure to media coverage of events like the recent school shooting. It’s easy to keep watching and following every sad, horrific detail, but there is a cost to your family’s peace of mind and to yours as well.   

Keep it normal

Maintain normal household routines, rules, and expectations: doing homework, getting rest, exercising, enjoying activities, and eating healthy meals.  There is comfort in routine, for both you and your children, and it will help to reassure them that their world continues to be safe and predictable.  

Know your child 

You know your child, so watch for any changes in behavior, habits, attitude, mood, and socializing. If you have concerns, keep in touch with teachers, coaches, employers, youth leaders, and others who might need to be aware. And be sure to keep an open line of communication with your child, whether or not they appear to welcome it.  Find out more here. 

Seek help 

If you or a loved one are struggling with fear, anxiety or stress, consider talking to a mental health professional. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with a safe space and an understanding and welcoming environment for you and your family. Take that important first step and ask for help.    

The Bougainvilla House also offers Parenting Workshops to provide tools and strategies that support healthy families and nurture future generations as they grow.     

Call now to find support for you and your family: (954) 764-7337.  

Additional Resources: 

 

https://www.schoolcrisiscenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Guidelines-Talking-to-Kids-About-Attacks-Two-Sided-Onesheet-Format.pdf 

https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources//parents_guidelines_for_helping_youth_after_the_recent_shooting.pdf  

https://healthychildren.org/English/family-life/Media/Pages/talking-to-children-about-tragedies-and-other-news-events.aspx 

https://thebougainvillahouse.org/2022/06/16/communication-comfort-caring-age-appropriate-conversations-about-school-shootings/ 

Original source: https://www.nytimes.com/article/talk-about-school-shootings-kids.html? 

“The voice inside my head” How to quiet your inner critic

Ever find yourself thinking things like “I shouldn’t have said that!” or “Why did I do that?” or, more positively, “I nailed it today!”? 

What are you thinking right now, as you’re reading this?  

What you’re experiencing is an internal thought monologue, also known as “the voice inside your head,” or your “inner voice.” It’s perfectly normal.  Think of it like the Netflix show You, where the protagonist Joe narrates his thoughts –but without his creepy intentions. This internal conversation might be nothing more than mundane observations or self-queries like “Did I turn off my flatiron?” when leaving the house or “What’s for lunch?” when you’re hungry. Or more emotional concerns might be on the internal agenda.  

This inner conversational capability is thought to develop during childhood, at the same time as external communications skills begin to flower. However, not everyone experiences an internal monologue — others think in a more visual way.  It’s perfectly normal if you don’t experience an inner monologue as described here. 

Your inner voice is actually helpful for problem solving, critical thinking, emotional self-management and behavior regulation. Because the voice inside your head can sound like your own, it is usually tied to your sense of self.     

Your inner voice can serve as a cheerleader, encouraging you to persevere or reinforcing feelings of accomplishment. Unfortunately, it can also be a harsh critic, exacerbating mental health issues like anxiety and depression.   

What kind of messages is your inner voice feeding you, and how do they make you feel? 

Inner Critic  

Your inner critic voice may surface in times of stress and doubt, pummeling you with extremely judgmental messages about your capabilities, looks, or actions, making you think that “I’m not smart enough” while studying, or calling you names (“stupid,” “fat,” “failure,” “ugly”).  

Pediatrician and teen health expert Dr. Anisha Abraham says, “With constant exposure to social media, pressure to fit into a peer group, demands from parents and coaches, and other stressors, teens nowadays are particularly vulnerable to being self-critical.”  

A constant inner stream of criticism isn’t normal or healthy. This destructive inner commentary negatively affects your self-esteem, confidence, and performance at school and work, causing you to quit when things are hard, or to not try at all. However, it’s important to recognize these hurtful thoughts when they surface — because ignoring them just doesn’t work. 

If you push aside negative thoughts or emotions rather than addressing them, they are more likely to recur and to intensify.  If you’re constantly battling your inner critic, here are some suggestions to help you quiet this negative monologue — to say, as Alberto teaches the title character in the Pixar movie Luca, “Silenzio, Bruno!” 

 4 ways to silence your inner critic  

Acknowledge your thoughts – Our brain is a busy place.  As well as running our body systems 24/7, thousands of not-very-organized thoughts swirl around our mind every day. “By one estimate, each day, an average person thinks fifty thousand spontaneous thoughts…chaotic and mostly repetitive from one day to the next,” says Dr. Amit Sood of the Mayo Clinic. 

 As mentioned, it’s important to recognize self-critical thoughts when they surface and to maintain a healthy balance, by separating the facts from exaggerated reactions and feelings that are simply not true. Most importantly, don’t let these thoughts bully you. It might also help to identify the source of and possible motivation for these negative thoughts (for example, an incident from childhood) as a way to keep them in their place.

Change the narrative – When your inner critic starts to kick in, replace the negative thought with a positive one. This practice will be hard at first. Start by questioning your thoughts. If you’ve been thinking, “I’m not good enough to make the team” you can say, “How do I know? I’m trying my hardest and maybe I AM good enough.” In other words, reroute the inner critic with a positive affirmation, keep your inner monologue light, and actively try to go easier on yourself.

What would your friends say? – This is a serious question you should ask yourself! If you talk to a friend about your feelings of doubt, they will respond with compassion and words of encouragement because they believe in you and they care about you. So be a friend to yourself. Live by the rule “If I wouldn’t say these hurtful things to a friend, then I shouldn’t say them to myself either.”  

Use your inner voice for the better – Your inner critic has a positive role to play, protecting you from danger and helping you to set standards and stay on track. Once you learn how to silence your negative thoughts, you can learn how to use your inner critic to help you choose your path and make better decisions in life. Reframe your inner comments with thoughts like “I’m capable of achieving my goal.  What do I need to do or change to be successful?” 

How can we help? 

If you are having a hard time navigating your inner critic and maintaining positive thoughts, consider talking to a health professional. A good first step is to look for a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with an understanding and welcoming environment for you and your family. Take that important first step and ask for help if you or someone you love needs to overcome anxiety and depression or work on skills that help tame the inner critic and build self-confidence.   

The Bougainvilla House also offers Parenting Workshops to give you the tools that will support healthy families and nurture future generations as they grow. 

Call now to find support that works for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. 

I have dark thoughts, what can I do about it?

Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is scary.  Yes, it feels like you’re all alone. 

It’s okay if you don’t have it all together. We know how hard it is to struggle with your thoughts and feelings. Depression is dark and empty, making you believe that you can contribute nothing to anyone or anything. And it feels like life means nothing anymore.  

You may think that isolating yourself or dealing with it on your own is the best thing to do. You don’t want to be a burden to family and friends, and you may think you’re crazy for feeling this way, but that isn’t you. That is the bully in your head talking. 

The bully says it will be better without you. Don’t believe it. Suicide only causes lifelong trauma for the people you love. But you don’t have to live in this dark place.  

Or maybe you’re trying to push away the darkness or relieve the relentless pressure with substances or self-harm. 

If this is you, be honest with your feelings. Please talk.  

If this is someone you know, reach out, tough as it is. Maybe your support will help a friend or relative find the words and the assistance they need. 

Let’s Get Real  

If you’re in a dark place and feeling alone, ask yourself: “Who do I want to talk to?” A family member? A friend? An adult you trust? Chances are, that person already knows something is wrong, but maybe they just don’t quite know how to start the conversation.  

If you can’t think of anyone, don’t give up. Or maybe you’d rather talk about your feelings with someone who’s outside of your circle of family and friends. If either situation is true, call any of the resources listed below. That might feel a bit weird and impersonal, but truly, the people at the other end of the conversation care and will listen. 

Bottom line – if this is you, run toward help. If this is someone you’re worrying about, don’t run away if you think they’re struggling – show them support when they need it the most.  

Danger signs 

Honesty time. Do any of the following warning signs feel like you, or someone you know?  If this is you, a friend, or someone you know, seek help.

  • Talking about wanting to die or to attempt suicide, even jokingly 
  • Looking for suicide methods, like searching online or buying a gun 
  • Talking about or feeling anxious, hopeless or having no reason to live 
  • Pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t 
  • Talking about or feeling trapped or in unbearable pain 
  • Talking about being a burden to others 
  • Personality changes – not feeling, acting or behaving like the person you, or they used to be 
  • Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs 
  • Feeling or acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly 
  • Unexplained or unusually severe, violent, or rebellious behavior 
  • Sleeping too little or too much 
  • Eating too little or too much 
  • Trouble focusing 
  • Withdrawing or isolating from friends and family 
  • Feeling or showing rage or talking about seeking revenge 
  • Extreme mood swings 

Does any of this sound like you? If you’re not sure, ask someone you trust if they’ve noticed any of these behaviors in you. If you’re worried about someone and seeing any of these actions or behaviors, take them as the warning signs they are.  

Been there: stories from the darkness 

Others have been through this. They know the fear, the shame, the aloneness. Maybe their stories will help you or someone you know to find the encouragement to reach out for help. 

Emma’s Story on Wellness Wednesday

Shattering the Silence: Youth Suicide Prevention | Sadie Penn | TEDxYouth@Lancaster 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRo5Db_7yVI

I witnessed a suicide | Joseph Keogh | TEDxPSUBehrend 

Crisis Resources 

  • If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call 911 immediately. 
  • If you or someone you know are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255) 
  • If talking on the phone is uncomfortable, text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.  

Get Help 

Don’t minimize your feelings or someone else’s – look for a safe person and space to talkThe Bougainvilla House is there for you, with a safe and welcoming environment for teens and their families. Take that critical first step and ask for help to overcome anxiety and depression, and reconnect to the life you want to live, or want for someone you love. Call now to find support that works for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. 

Sources:  

https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=teen-suicide-learning-to-recognize-the-warning-signs-1-1696 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/how-we-can-all-prevent-suicide/ 

https://www.nami.org/get-involved/awareness-events/suicide-prevention-awareness-month 

https://paradigmtreatment.com/teen-depression-really-feels-like-according-16-year-old/ 

 

 

The Real Meaning of Self-Care

Hotels advertise spa days. The beauty industry promotes a face mask. Airlines promote relaxing “getaways.” New apps seem to pop up every day.  

Self-care has become a trending topic over the last few years, and many products and services are promoted as helpful (even essential) to good self-care. Amid all this advertising, it can be easy to forget the real meaning behind the idea.  

Self-care is the practice of restorative activities that protect your own well-being and happiness, particularly in times of stress. It is all about how you care for your own physical and mental wellness. 

Research suggests self-care promotes positive health outcomes such as fostering resilience, living longer, and becoming better equipped to manage stress – one of the biggest threats to our physical and mental well-being. 

Stress can be caused by our thoughts, our choices, and even what we put in our body. An excess of sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and processed foods can all contribute to stress or make it more difficult to manage. Stress affects our energy levels as well as our emotional health, so it is essential that our self-care practices help us manage and reduce it. 

4 Restorative Self-Care Activities for Every Day  

Practice these activities daily for help restoring your energy, improving your decision making, and deepening your relationship with yourself and others:  

1. Take a moment of silence – In times of stress, your internal voice may be loud, critiquing your performance and reminding you of the tasks that must be done. Quiet your inner voice by taking a moment of silence or practicing meditation. Find a comfortable spot in your house where you are not likely to be disturbed. Then, for at least five minutes, breathe deeply and try to calm your mind, focusing on your breath or consciously relaxing different parts of your body. Meditative activities like this can put your mind at ease and allow your negative inner voice to slowly disappear. 

2.Maintain a Healthy Diet – It is important to understand how food choices affect your mind as well as your body. A diet of healthy food will reduce your mood fluctuations, giving you an overall happier outlook and an improved ability to focus, says Dr. Cora, a board-certified psychiatrist. Try to reduce how often you eat highly processed foods, and instead fill your stomach with mostly fruits, vegetables, and complex carbs such as sweet potatoes, brown rice, and quinoa.

3.Move – Our bodies are meant to move! Walking, running, jumping, working out, dancing, and any other form of exercise are all activities that produce endorphins. These “feel-good” chemicals help us cope with pain and stress and can be a happiness booster. You don’t need a gym to help you exercise. An area in your house – or an open area outdoors — is all you need to get moving. Your body and your stress levels can benefit from as little as 10 minutes of exercise every day. 

4.Go Outside – Registered psychologist Dr. Lynne M. Kostiuk reminds us that humans have a deeply ingrained need to feel connected to the natural world. Unfortunately, our tendency to spend long hours inside and in front of the computer can make anyone feel disconnected from nature. Studies have shown that being outdoors has the power to lift your mood and lower anxiety. So, next time you find yourself with a free afternoon…go outside! A walk around the neighborhood, visiting a park, or going to the beach are just a few possible activities. 

Self-Care Inspiration to Help You Stay Motivated 

The more you practice self-care, the better it will be for your health. Just a few minutes in a day can change your outlook on life.  

If you need a little extra inspiration to start (or continue) good self-care habits, here are some YouTubers, books, and documentaries to help you.  

YouTubers  

  1. muchelleB – Michelle is an Australian YouTuber. Her videos are guidelines to self-development, self-care, goal setting, and intentional living. She will motivate you to create routines and habits and stick to them
  2. Hey Fran Hey – Francheska is a wellness influencer, YouTuber, and podcaster who shares tips on DIY beauty, natural hair care, mental and emotional hygiene, nutrition, and fitness; all with a bohemian twist. 
  3. Lavendaire- Aileen Xu advocates personal growth and development for creatives, dreamers, and artists alike. Her videos focus on goal setting, vision boards, decluttering challenges, and financial planning advice. 

Books 

  1. Breath by James Nestor: What you eat, how much you exercise, how skinny or young or wise you are — none of it matters as much if you’re not breathing properly. Drawing on thousands of years of medical texts and recent cutting-edge studies, Breath turns the conventional wisdom of what we thought we knew about our most basic biological function on its head. You will never breathe the same again.
  2. Silence by Erling Kagge – In 1993, Norwegian explorer Erling Kagge took a solo trip across Antarctica for fifty days. He was the first person to ever reach the South Pole alone, with only a battery-less radio for company. The long journey was life changing for Kagge, and in this book, he shares his experiences and findings while exploring the true meaning of solitude. He shows us why silence is essential to our health and overall happiness, and how it has the power to change the way we view the world.

Netflix Documentaries 

  1. Fed Up – Fed Up” shows the damaging effects of sugar and how important it is to reduce or eliminate it for the overall betterment of your health. It will inspire you to look closer into what goes into the foods you eat and make positive changes to your health.
  2. Hungry For Change – Hungry For Change” shines a light on the damage that comes from following a modern processed diet and the amazing changes that come when you reintroduce your body to real, whole foods.
  3. Happy – This documentary looks at what really makes people happy. From people who live in slums to the swamps of Louisiana you will learn how our society’s definition of “happiness” might be giving us a skewed idea of what really leads to true joy.  

Need More Help?  

If stress is becoming more prominent in your life and you need additional support, The Bougainvilla House can help. The Bougainvilla House offers free weekly webinars on topics like de-stressing, managing anxiety, and more. Sign up for our next webinar here: https://thebougainvillahouse.org/event-gallery/webinars/    

Coping with Transition Anxiety: From High School to College to “The Real World”

Congratulations! You’re graduating. 

…Or is it, “You’re graduating! Are you okay?” 

Television, movies and other media have been telling you for years about how exciting it will be to transition from high school to college, or from college to the “real world.” In reality, although some students might be excited to start a new chapter in their life, you’re all confronted with the same challenges.  

In college, you’ll need to make new friends, navigate a heavy workload, and take your first steps toward independence by living on your own or with roommates, instead of with your family. 

These challenges seem like a piece of cake when you face the “Real World” for the first time, whether that’s after high school or after college.  

With all of these transitions loomingit’s normal for high school and college students to experience higher levels of stress and anxiety in these years 

So how can you learn to manage these feelings?  

High School Transitioning to College   

As exciting as it is, the initial transition to college can bring a lot of anxiety to students 

A recent study showed that levels of anxiety, depression, and stress among college students increased steadily during the first semester of college and remained elevated throughout the second semester. This reflects what many students already know: that the first year of college is particularly anxious time 

 

Here is what we encourage for first-year students:   

  1. Anxious about making friends? Get involved! In college, you might feel like a small fish in a big pond, but there’s something for everyone! If you’re stressed about making friends, start by researching student organizations that you’re interested in. Colleges often have organizations for any interest: from arts groups to intramural sports to student government and more!  These groups and events are a great way for students to get involved and meet new people.   
  1. Struggling with changing routines? Treat your body right! For some students, it’s difficult to maintain healthy eating habits, regular exercise, and proper sleep on their own. It’s important to remember that all of these things are important to your body and your overall well-being. They are the most essential forms of self-care and building a daily routine around them eases the mind and releases stress. Being physically active also gives your brain something to focus on and can be a positive coping strategy for difficult times.   
  1. Having trouble managing your new workload? Stay organized! College comes with a lot of substantial assignments and multiple exams in a week is not unusual. When you’re not organized and ready for the workload, the stress becomes even greaterYour disorganization, unfinished projects, and piles of “to-dos” may be contributing to your stress and depression. To avoid this, try to stay consistent with a schedule and plan ahead. Find a system that works for you. If you like to have a physical reminder and enjoy crossing off tasks, a paper agenda might work for you. If you’re always on the go, an electronic planner on your phone or laptop that sends you notifications might be ideal for you. Schedule your exams, quizzesand projects as well as events, days off, and self-care. This way you’re prioritizing school and your well-being. 

Transitioning to the “Real World”  

Whether you’re anxious about moving across the county, going on job interviews, starting your first job, or making life-changing decisions about relationships, being nervous about the future is a normal reaction to uncertainty.  

Uncertainty is a major stressor, preventing us from planning the future. When the future is uncertain or we’re experiencing something new, we can’t rely on past experiences to make decisions. Without that tool, we become anxious about what the future might hold.  

 

How can you deal with the uncertainty?   

  1. Put things into perspective. What’s the most optimistic scenario that could happen? What is the worst-case scenario? And what is the most likely scenario? Ask yourself these questions, then ask yourself how you would be most likely to handle the situation. You may realize that even in the worst-case scenario, things will be okay.    
  1. Understand what creates meaning and purpose for you Take some time to consider what you most value in different areas of your life. Your purpose can be anything that makes you feel the most fulfilled. Some people find purpose by reading, practicing meditation, through religion, by healing others, or by spending time with loved ones. Finding your purpose and meaning can help you to remain motivated to take action and face uncertainty. 
  1. Accept what you can’t control. Wanting to know and control everything fuels uncertainty. Recognize that sometimes all you can control is your effort and your attitude.   

Find Resources:   

Whether you look for help at your college or from a mental health professional, it can be helpful to seek support when you are dealing with transition anxiety. 

Colleges offer resources to help students navigate the initial transition to campus, including academic advising, counseling, and student mental health.  

At The Bougainvilla House, we offer therapy sessions for teens and young adults who struggle with managing their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. If you would like to get started, please schedule your free screening here.    

Declutter your room, declutter your mind: Inspiration and tips for a more organized space

teen organizing

At first, remote learning seemed like the dream scenario for students, but it turns out that more time at home eventually equals more mess.  

Your room, which may previously have just been used to chill and sleep, is now also your classroom and your library When this happens, the lines between relaxation and work can become blurred.  

What to do if you’re feeling overwhelmed by clutter 

Clutter accumulates in a sneaky way, often without your knowledge 

Just when you think your room is all right, clutter creeps in and piles up while you’re distracted. (You know that one chair in your room that holds all your clothes because you’re going to hang them “later”.)  

As we get comfortable at home, chores like cleaning your room can easily be procrastinated.  

Even though it may start out seeming like nothing, clutter can make it significantly more difficult to focus on tasks, especially if it overwhelms your visual space.  

Having a clean space can de-stress your mind and make you feel more productive. So, what can you do if you’re feeling overwhelmed by clutter?  

Get inspired!  shows to inspire cleaning

If you need a little extra motivation to start decluttering your space, here are 5 shows to help you feel inspired.   

  1.  Tidying Up with Marie Kondo (Netflix) – Expert Marie Kondo tries to help everyday people declutter their homes and their lives. Kondo assists her clients in clearing out the clutter and choosing joy in a series of inspiring home makeovers.  
  2.  The Minimalists: Less Is More (Netflix) – A documentary where less means more, rejecting the American ideal that things bring happiness.  
  3. Get Organized With The Home Edit (Netflix) – Expert home organizers Clea and Joanna help celebrities and everyday clients edit, categorize and contain their clutter to create stunning spaces. 
  4. Hoarders (Netflix) – Explores the world of extreme hoarding and provides an in-depth look at real-life stories of those directly affected by compulsive hoarding. A team of experts try to help clean out their massive hoards and set these individuals up for future success. 
  5. Bea Organized (Amazon Prime) – Beatrice Copeland helps people transform their spaces by changing the way they think about their stuff 

Benefits to cleaning up  

  1. More free time. The less cluttered your living space, the quicker it is to clean and easily find things. benefits to cleaning 
  2. More energy. When you’re not weighed down emotionally and physically by your stuff, you have extra energy to take new opportunities. 
  3. Easier to focus. When your space isn’t distracting you, it can be easier to focus on the task on hand — whether that’s schoolwork, homework, games, music practice, or whatever inspires you! 

Tips for refreshing and organizing your space

Organizing and cleaning up isn’t fun for a lot of people. It can seem like it will take forever to do. This doesn’t have to be true!  

Even if you only have a few minutes, you can help your space feel more organized and less stressful by following these simple tips:  

  1. If you have 10 minutes – Do a fast clean up. 
    A quick way to make your space feel better is to simply throw away trashput all your dirty laundry in a bin and clear off your desk. You’ll be surprised by how much it can make a difference in the amount of visual clutter.
     
  2. If you have one hour — Address one section. 
    Pick one area that overwhelms you and start decluttering. When you approach decluttering in sections, you view each area as a separate task. Consider choosing from your closet, drawers, bookshelf, desk, or nightstand. Understand that decluttering will temporarily create more of mess! Think about getting nice boxes/baskets to have a designated place for your items and keep clutter out of sight. Here are few options you can use in your space.
     
  3. If you have one day – Try the KonMari method. 
    If you have more time, try the KonMari method. Named after Marie Kondo, a tidying expert and author from Japan, the KonMari method is based on asking yourself a simple question: Does it bring you joy?  If it does, you keep it. If it doesn’t, you thank it (a show of gratitude) and put it in a donate pile or trash pile. 
     
  4. If you have two days – Make it a habit.
    Once you declutter, the harder part is to maintain it. If you do a little decluttering on a regular basis, you can save time and relieve the stress of doing it every 6 months or year.   

Don’t forget to donate

Giving your items to nonprofits and charities not only helps those in need, but it helps boost your physical and mental health. Giving activates the parts of the brain related to pleasure, trust, and relationships with other important feel-good chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. This rush is often referred to as the “helper’s high. 

Here’s an extra benefit to enhance your “helper’s high”  giving away items supports sustainability. When you donate your items like clothes, room decor, or games, you are giving them a second life instead of sending them to a landfill.  

Need more help?  

If you feel overwhelmed by clutter or other problems that are holding you back from being productive, The Bougainvilla House offers weekly webinars on topics like de-stressing, managing anxiety, and more. We also feature activities like yoga and Zumba, free of cost. Sign up for our next webinar here: https://thebougainvillahouse.org/event-gallery/webinars/